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if LIFE ever gives me another try. [
Posted on February 09, 2008 @ 7:13 pm
i  guess i could post, let you know im alive, even though im sure youd hear if i died. but im close..

i am going every second, none to myself. im going 16, more like 20 hours at my internship, i love it though. for those of you that don't know im interning at WHS Foster Care. it is a great program and a great agency, filled with great people and im learning a lot!!!! a lot a lot.
im working 40+ hours.. of course. down to 2 managers again, ive come to terms that it will always only be me and amy. and it stresses me out because everyone expects so much from me. i mean, damn. most you people have nothing other than wilsons, and im sitting here, with my plate spewing over and all you can do is complain how youre tired? eh.. to each his own, i guess.
going to school.. school seems so pointless right now.. idk, maybe cause i haven't had any 'real' assignments.. they're comin though. 
on top of personal problems/ trying to have a life.. ugh. if only i had about 21 years...
things with my dad are getting progressively worse. my mom is starting to hate me. i miss seeing my family.

2008 just straight up S.U.C.K.S.
this past month i was in a car accident and my car was totaled. i miss my baby. well.. after about 3 weeks looking for one, i finally found one! i love it, love it. 2002 white alero. it is pretty, and not a 'mom' car. even though id give my right foot to have my car back :(
now, the day i get my new car, using my cousins car, get into an accident with her car. again, not my fault.
needless to say, i think someone is tellin me something. people want me dead, i swear.
i can say i have been fortunate though in both my accidents, i, nor anyone else was hurt. i mean... seriously injured. 

oh god guys.. i wish i could just rewind and change everything or fast forward as fast as possible and skip right straight to the end of college. making money and doing what i love.. i've had enough of this whole inbetween stuff. im at my breaking point....
i wish i could end this on a good note, but i really can't. so i will end it with a god bless, im getting beyond wasted tonight :) ciao.
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life never tells us the whens or whys... [
Posted on November 12, 2007 @ 11:55 pm

 "For every win, someone must fail.. there comes a point when, we we exhale..."


waitin to exhale. but we can't win them all. and if someone is happy, and im not.. thats okay. Im mature enough to understand that i have good things in my life, and i have people who will support me, and i have a family that i love unconditionally, and we all have our times where we win, and where we fail.

and im really realizing life is hard. and gets harder and harder everyday. 
and im realizing my biggest struggle i will ever have.. with relationships, with my job, with... everything. will be the constant battle between my head and heart.. they are always struggling.

i'll get there.
but it is always a constant battle. really... really.

(but even with that said, it doesn't make any of this easier...)

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the familiar face, wanting to forget. [
Posted on October 31, 2007 @ 11:00 pm
ohhhhh goodness.
is it sad that the only thing that keeps me sane these days is Sex and the City, Solitaire and coffee. 

..well @ least i have 3 things.
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i beginning to know what it feels like... [
Posted on September 23, 2007 @ 11:57 pm

and yet everything always finds it's way. 
give it all time, and it gets better. my life has just proved that over and over. 
however remembering that all the time is the hard part.. but what can you do..?!
not everything is perfect, but im pretty content. more then i was 3 weeks ago, and it just keps getting better and better. so in another 3 weeks, im hoping for the best. and if i don't get there, that's fine. cause i know that i will.
and the weird thing is that people always find a way to prove you wrong.. and sometimes that can be the best thing.

i couldn't even tell you how hard this program is.. seriously. 
but im so happy im there. 
and thats okay that this will be the hardest time of my life.. it's now or never.

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did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? [
Posted on August 13, 2007 @ 1:45 am
i get to this point in my life every once and a while.. so bare with me.

i cannot help but feel like im getting too old. too old for games, too old for the past, too old for my age, too old to be running around, chasing after people, too old to go back and too old to change things.
then i think.. im young and i have a lot of life left ahead and in me. 
and then i came to the realization that i also have a lot of years left to be hurt and a lot of future to live.

and it is times like these i wish for stability. the stability i see other people have, which i never truly felt. 
i look back and through all, excuse me.. most of my relationships, and they have never been about stability, but more so about comfort.. and only at the time. and now looking back on it i could see where i overlooked that minor detail, but i can also see where that comfort meant more to me than my feelings in the long run. 
and that is where i got myself trapped. i look back at the time i shared with people, and however long or short, i yearn for those feelings and emotions again.. i want to feel like i felt, even if i knew the complete truth and how that truth breaks my heart.

the again, i can only do and bare so much before i completely lose everything in myself in order to keep that comfort.
and it saddens me that all i can think about is my past, when i have so much future to look forward too. (or do i, considering my past? the optimist in me outweighs...)

but in all honesty.. how many times can a girl get her heart broken, before losing all that is in her?

then i think, maybe it is just the way it was meant to be. i came into this world, wanted by only one person (when it should have been 4), and maybe that one person is the only one who will see me for that. and all the rest will see me as just another person to look past, just another person to never truly see because no one wanted me ever truly there to be shown.

...and at these times i actually do wish i was too old. too old to start new things, too old to worry about the future and too old to worry about the people who have hurt me.
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That life seems light years away.. [
Posted on February 27, 2007 @ 5:05 pm

tomorrow decides my fate. 

...well, my fate will be handed to someone tomorrow. 
and i am not too worried about it. kinda kinda. kinda. 

and be excited because right now, my life couldn't be more perfect... well, i mean, right this very moment, it could be because i could have this stupid application done and turned in.. but right now, it is perfect. 
and everyone in my life could not be anymore perfect for me. 



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He's got a PhD in great ass, let's not get dragged down by ethics.. [
Posted on January 17, 2007 @ 3:43 pm
Two things i hate...

When my hair smells like outside after being outside a good part of the day.. gross.

When the bums @ school are "blind" and they use their seeing eye sticks to beat people and almost trip you.. well no. they RUN YOUR ASS OVER all the time.  like today, for example.
the 'blinders'.. as i call them.
... and then they bark as your friend (amber) as your other friend (christyna) are running away laughing because one girl (me) almost fell on her face because blinder totally switched up paths and PuRPOSeLY! tried to beat me down.. he must have saw the mean look i gave him, when really, i just had my bitch face on... 
it is kinda funny when you think about it.
i wish a camera was following christyna, amber and i trying to find this damn class in old main. it was the highlight of my day.

k.. im done.
today started off really shitty, but it definitely got better when i saw those two's faces. 

and when i thought of... my gal pal's B IR TH D AY!!!!!! 
happppppppppppppppppppy yyyyy bIrthDay  JAMESSS

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Posted on December 30, 2006 @ 12:26 pm
we got our new puppy!!!!!! 

she's gorgeous.
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how does it feel to know.. [
Posted on December 17, 2006 @ 6:08 pm
ive decided i really hate the winter..
it is all routine and i can't get out of it no matter how hard i try.
and i feel that i am just more able to think freely in the summer.. 

but i love christmas time.

i think it is the hardest thing for me to make up my mind.. no joke. 
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Posted on December 09, 2006 @ 3:05 pm
so.. i have a date tonight.

im excited.
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how cuteeee [
Posted on November 27, 2006 @ 11:50 pm

I got kissed by a cutie foreigner today in my store!

it was so cute.

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Posted on November 05, 2006 @ 2:24 pm
go see Borat.
it's fucking hilarious.

and it isn't all that bad... kinda. but not really.

but see it.
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Posted on October 31, 2006 @ 11:43 pm
halloween is fun again. 

annabella looked so adorable, she was a butterfly.
an adorable butterfly at that!

i get to see diana thursday! 

14 days yall ;)
you have no idea.
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you must not know bout me.. [
Posted on October 28, 2006 @ 5:49 pm

and the funny thing is, i know. and i am doing the exact same thing.

im so proud of myself!

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talk to the Man with the reasons why.. [
Posted on October 17, 2006 @ 8:20 pm
&& let me know what you find.

just a breakdown of the heart.
life is so all over the place right now.
i just miss so many people, i could cry. i don't have time to spend half as much time on anyone, youall or myself.. it makes me feel kinda lonely, actually.  & sad that i am not involved more with anyone or their lives.. i want to be, and i wish i could be. i don't like not being involved with the people i love. 
but then again, i don't see a lot more people making much of an effort.. 
but they are busy too. 

then i think.. what is there i want to change? should i change it? can i? 
would it be worth it? 
& what should i keep the same? 

not saying i am completely unhappy with anything, because actually, i am not. but if there was something more put on my plate, i think i wouldn't be able to stand the weight, and it would end up tipping. 
and you never know what the future has in store, so i need a way to balance... or do i just wait for it and prepare myself for my whole life to become complete chaios? 

i just really wish there were more then 24 hours in a day.. or i didn't enjoy sleep.
if i knew the future.. i would be okay.
but i guess it is all a waiting game, and i am definitely in the waiting..
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i'll leave my window open.. [
Posted on October 03, 2006 @ 11:29 pm
anddd p.s.

i love the sound trains make. 
even though one made me really, really late this morning.

and i love the song come in with the rain, by taylor swift.
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Posted on October 03, 2006 @ 9:39 pm
if school could be any more stressful right now.. 
that would be fantastic.
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Posted on September 23, 2006 @ 10:55 pm
maybe it is the weather..
maybe it is all the changes..
maybe it is the lack of the life i have other then work and school..
maybe it is all too much for me to handle, and i don't know how to handle it..

but i just feel like i can't do anything I WANT to do.. 
i feel like i am just living life, not doing anything new. special. 

i should be excited. 
i do have a great life..
i just feel like i am not doing all that i could with it. and that there is more i could be doing..

i think i am just confused about where i am, where i am going and how to get there.. 

i think i am just confused...

Take a breath, just take a seat
your falling apart and tearing at the seems.

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.

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come see.. [
Posted on September 19, 2006 @ 7:21 pm

mirabella comes home on saturday.

i just found out! and i am so excited, i could cry i miss her so much... i love herrr.

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football and hoodies and coldness and yayy [
Posted on September 19, 2006 @ 5:10 pm
i absolutely love this weather. 
and i love fall.
i am really excited for it.

i wanna go buy more hoodies. 
and clothes.

and i wanna go to a haunted house.  and hayrides.
more like 184 of them. 
and apple picking. and fun fall stuff.
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